The Psychology of Wanting: From Conditioning to Choice
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you actually want?
Not what you think you should want, not what looks good from the outside, but what truly feels like yours.
For many of us, that question doesn’t come with a clear answer. Our wants can feel foggy, inconsistent, or even suspicious. We start to wonder if we’re chasing things because they’re meaningful or because they’re familiar and safe.
In this post, we’ll explore how psychology helps us understand desire, why it’s shaped so heavily by our upbringing and social conditioning, and how to begin moving from automatic patterns to conscious choice.
How Self Determination Theory Explains Motivation
Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan developed Self Determination Theory to explain why we feel motivated. According to their research, humans have three core psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
Autonomy means having the freedom to make choices that feel aligned with who we are.
Competence is the sense of mastery and confidence in our abilities.
Relatedness is our need for connection, belonging, and care.
When these needs are met, we feel internally motivated and fulfilled. But when they are not, we begin to act from what Deci and Ryan call introjected motivation. This is when we do things to earn approval, avoid guilt, or prove our worth.
For example, you might work toward a certain body, a career milestone, or a relationship not because you truly want it, but because it makes you feel acceptable or secure. Over time, this can create confusion between authentic desire and social reward.
Desire as Repetition: What Object Relations and Attachment Theory Show Us
While Self Determination Theory explains how motivation works, Object Relations and Attachment Theory help us understand where our desires begin.
Object Relations Theory, rooted in the work of Fairbairn and Winnicott, suggests that our earliest relationships shape how we experience love, safety, and self worth. The people who cared for us become internal “objects” that influence how we relate to others later in life.
If you only received affection when you were helpful or high-achieving, you may have learned that love must be earned. Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, adds that these early bonds form attachment styles that continue into adulthood.
As adults, we often recreate what’s familiar rather than what’s healthy. We chase relationships that mirror early dynamics, seek validation instead of connection, or avoid vulnerability because it once felt unsafe.
Our desires, then, are rarely random. They often repeat the patterns we learned as children in our search for safety and belonging.
How Queer Identity Development Adds Another Layer
Psychologist Vivienne Cass proposed one of the first models of gay and lesbian identity development in 1979, showing that authenticity unfolds in stages. Her model moves from identity confusion and comparison to acceptance, pride, and eventually integration.
For queer people, desire is shaped not only by family and attachment, but also by cultural safety. Wanting what feels true can conflict with what feels accepted. Early on, desire might center around safety and invisibility. Later, it might shift toward freedom and visibility.
Cass’s model reminds us that self knowledge is developmental. Authentic wanting often becomes clearer only when safety grows and shame begins to dissolve.
From Conditioning to Choice
Each of these psychological perspectives connects to the same idea:
We can only discover what we truly want when we begin to question what we’ve been taught to want.
Self Determination Theory shows how our motivation gets hijacked by the need for approval.
Attachment Theory explains why we repeat familiar emotional patterns in love and work.
Queer identity models reveal how authenticity emerges as safety expands.
Understanding these patterns allows us to move from conditioning to choice. Instead of asking “What do I want?” you might begin to ask, “Where did this want come from? What does it serve? Does it belong to me?”
This shift is the foundation of emotional autonomy. It’s not about rejecting everything you were taught, but about learning to hear your own voice beneath the noise.
Reflective Takeaway
When you feel uncertain about what you want, try viewing that confusion as information rather than failure.
Ask yourself:
Would I still want this if no one else approved?
Does this desire make me feel more alive or more constricted?
Is this rooted in curiosity or in fear?
The more safety and self trust you build, the clearer your desires become. Moving from conditioning to choice isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that were taught to stay quiet and giving them a chance to speak again.
Conclusion
Knowing what you want is not a one-time discovery. It’s an ongoing practice of awareness, compassion, and courage.
The more you understand how childhood, attachment, and culture have shaped your motivations, the more freedom you have to choose intentionally.
Desire becomes clearer not when you push harder to define it, but when you slow down enough to listen.
