Redefining Sex: Performance Anxiety, Kinks, and the Truth About Intimacy with Dr. Eric Van Der Voort
Why This Conversation Matters
Let’s face it, sex is everywhere, but real conversations about it are rare. Most of us grow up absorbing distorted ideas about what sex “should” look like. In therapy, those ideas show up as shame, anxiety, disconnection, and confusion. Dr. Eric Van Der Voort breaks down how we can move beyond cultural scripts and start understanding sex as a unique, personal, and relational experience.
What Is Sex Therapy, Really?
Sex therapy isn’t about fixing “what’s wrong.” It’s about creating space for curiosity and communication. Dr. Van Der Voort shares his journey from clinical psychology into sex therapy, highlighting a non-pathologizing approach. He emphasizes that sexual struggles, whether it’s lack of desire, performance issues, or confusion around fantasies, aren’t signs of dysfunction, but often signals that something deeper needs to be explored.
“Sex therapy isn’t about judgment, it’s about understanding,” says Van Der Voort.
The Hidden Impact of Performance Anxiety
Performance anxiety is one of the most common but least talked about issues in sexual relationships. It can look like fear of not satisfying a partner, self-consciousness about orgasm, or even avoiding sex altogether. The pressure to “perform” can disconnect people from their bodies, emotions, and partners.
Dr. Van Der Voort explains how performance anxiety often stems from internalized shame and unrealistic expectations, and how therapy can help reframe these narratives.
Let’s Talk About Orgasms, Kinks, and Fantasies
One of the boldest parts of this episode is our discussion around kinks, fantasies, and the cultural obsession with orgasm. We explore how mainstream messages about sex promote a narrow view of pleasure and ignore the diverse ways people experience desire and connection.
We ask:
What makes sex “good”?
Why do we fixate on orgasms?
How can exploring fantasies lead to greater self-awareness?
Dr. Van Der Voort encourages listeners to embrace their erotic selves without fear or shame and to see sexual expression as a tool for intimacy, not performance.
Communication Is Key, But It’s Complicated
Open, honest conversations about sex are essential, but they’re not always easy. Many couples avoid these talks due to fear, discomfort, or lack of language. Dr. Van Der Voort offers insight into how therapy helps people build the emotional and relational tools to talk about desire, boundaries, needs, and pleasure.
Final Thoughts: Challenging the Norm, Embracing the Real
This episode is a call to rethink everything we thought we knew about sex. It’s not about doing more, performing better, or fitting a mold. It’s about redefining sex as something deeply human, fluid, and connected to who we are.
Whether you’re navigating your own sexual health, supporting a partner, or working with clients as a clinician, this conversation offers validation, insight, and new ways to think about intimacy.
