Intimate Partner Violence in LGBTQ+ Relationships: Power, Shame, and Vulnerability
When people hear the term domestic violence, they often imagine a heterosexual relationship where one partner physically harms the other. But intimate partner violence (IPV) can look very different in queer relationships, and too often, those stories are left out of mainstream conversations. This episode of Boy Meets Therapy dives into the emotional and psychological realities of IPV within LGBTQ+ relationships and why understanding them requires a broader lens.
Redefining What Abuse Looks Like
Abuse in relationships is not always physical. Emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse can be just as damaging, yet they often go unnoticed. A partner might control finances, isolate someone from friends, use threats of outing, or manipulate through shame. These experiences can erode a person’s sense of safety and identity over time, leaving deep psychological wounds.
Research has shown that rates of intimate partner violence among same-sex couples are comparable to or higher than those reported in heterosexual relationships (Edwards et al., 2015). However, queer survivors face unique barriers to getting help, including fear of discrimination, lack of affirming shelters, and concerns about being outed in unsafe environments.
The Role of Power and Shame
Power and control lie at the heart of most abusive relationships, but in queer partnerships, they are often intertwined with identity and internalized stigma. When someone grows up navigating homophobia or transphobia, shame can become deeply rooted. That shame can then appear in relationships as control, jealousy, or emotional withdrawal.
For some, the dynamics of power may also be influenced by gender expression, societal stereotypes, or the pressure to perform a certain kind of relationship that “proves” equality. These unspoken dynamics can make it difficult to recognize when harm is happening, especially in communities that already feel misunderstood or marginalized.
Cultural Silence and Community Barriers
Discussing abuse in LGBTQ+ spaces can feel complicated. Many survivors fear that talking about harm within queer relationships could reinforce negative stereotypes or give outsiders more ammunition against the community. This silence, while protective in intention, often deepens isolation and shame.
Studies highlight that LGBTQ+ survivors of color face additional challenges due to intersecting forms of oppression such as racism, cultural stigma, and lack of culturally competent services (Walker et al., 2020). The intersection of multiple marginalized identities can make reaching out for help feel almost impossible.
Healing and Rebuilding Safety
Healing from intimate partner violence is not about simply leaving an unsafe relationship. It’s about rebuilding a sense of self that has been undermined by control, fear, or emotional neglect. Therapy can provide a space to untangle trauma responses and learn how to recognize healthy forms of intimacy.
Support networks also matter. Queer-affirming therapists, community organizations, and peer support groups can all help survivors reconnect to safety and belonging. Healthy love begins when power is shared, communication is open, and both partners feel emotionally free.
Why These Conversations Matter
Silence allows harm to continue. By talking openly about intimate partner violence in LGBTQ+ relationships, we make space for truth, safety, and change. This episode aims to amplify those stories and remind survivors that what happened to them matters and that healing, though difficult, is possible.
If you or someone you know is experiencing relationship abuse, confidential support is available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
References and Studies Used in this Blog Post:
Edwards, K. M., Sylaska, K. M., & Neal, A. M. (2015). Intimate partner violence among sexual minority populations: A critical review of the literature and agenda for future research. Psychology of Violence, 5(2), 112-121.
Walker, J. A., Fogarty, A. S., & Fields, E. L. (2020). Intersections of identity and intimate partner violence in LGBTQ+ communities. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 35(15-16), 2991-3012.
