Why Gay Men Struggle to Make Friends and How to Fix It
Lonely but Not Alone: The Quiet Crisis in Queer Male Friendship
Many gay men report feeling isolated, even while living in queer-friendly cities or being active in LGBTQ+ spaces. Despite the appearance of community through dating apps, nightlife, and chosen family, deep platonic friendships often remain out of reach.
In this blog post, based on the boy meets therapy podcast episode “Why Gay Men Struggle to Make Friends and How to Fix It,” we explore the psychological, cultural, and developmental factors that make friendship difficult for queer men. We also offer practical strategies to help you build the connections you deserve.
The Data on Gay Male Loneliness
Loneliness is not just a feeling. It is a measurable health concern. Research published in the Journal of Homosexuality found that over 60 percent of gay and bisexual men reported feeling lonely in the past week. This loneliness is linked to increased depression, anxiety, and physical health problems (McConnell, Janulis, Phillips, Truong, & Birkett, 2018).
According to former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, chronic loneliness is as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Murthy, 2017). This is not just about companionship. It is about survival.
Why Friendship Is So Complicated for Gay Men
There are several reasons why forming friendships can feel uniquely difficult for queer men.
Delayed social development
Many queer men grew up hiding key parts of themselves. During childhood and adolescence, authentic friendships often felt risky or impossible. That lack of safety can delay emotional development and impact how we connect later in life (Russell & Fish, 2016).Attraction and connection often overlap
It is common to confuse friendship attraction with sexual or romantic desire, especially in a community where emotional safety with other men was missing for so long. Sometimes we want to date someone, and sometimes we just want to be close to them. Learning to tell the difference and communicate honestly, is key.Queer culture often centers dating over friendship
Apps, bars, and much of queer media focus on dating or hooking up. That makes it harder to find low-pressure environments where friendship can naturally grow. Many of us crave closeness, but we are not given the tools or spaces to build it.
What Healthy Queer Friendship Looks Like
A good queer friendship might include:
Mutual emotional safety and trust
Affection that is not tied to physical attraction
Consistent check-ins and care
Shared vulnerability and presence
A sense of being fully seen, not just tolerated
These friendships are not about performance or proximity. They are about presence, intention, and love without expectation.
How to Build Real Queer Friendships
If you want to create more fulfilling friendships, here are several strategies backed by research and real-life experience:
Take the initiative
Most people underestimate how much others like them. This is known as the “liking gap” (Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom, & Clark, 2018). That means the guy you met last week probably wants to hear from you. He just does not know if it is mutual. Be the one to reach out.
Start a ritual
Create a low-pressure, repeating social habit. Coffee every Sunday. A monthly movie night. A weekly phone check-in. Rituals build trust and make connection easier to sustain. Even brief, repeated contact can strengthen emotional bonds (Gabriel, Valenti, Naragon-Gainey, & Young, 2017).
Seek out non-dating spaces
Find queer book clubs, hobby groups, hiking meetups, or volunteering opportunities. Look for shared values, not just shared identities.
Use your voice
Voice notes and video chats build stronger emotional bonds than texting alone. In one study, participants who used voice or video to reconnect with others felt significantly more socially connected than those who sent texts (Gilbert, Ballew, & Frank, 2022).
Talk about attraction
Sometimes you are attracted to a friend. That is okay. What matters is how you handle it. If feelings arise, name them. If you are unsure, be curious with yourself. Friendship does not have to disappear when attraction exists. It just needs honesty and boundaries.
You Are Not Alone
Loneliness among gay men is widespread, but it is not permanent. Friendship is possible. And it matters more than most people realize.
Your need for connection is not a flaw. It is part of being human. By being honest, initiating small interactions, and showing up consistently, you can begin to build the friendships you have always needed.
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