Gay Men, Shame, and Healing Through Therapy with Brian Spitulnik
Healing Shame and Reclaiming Identity: A Deeper Look at Therapy for Gay Men
For many gay men, the journey toward self-acceptance is layered with shame, rejection, and the pressure to perform a certain kind of identity. From navigating social hierarchies within the gay community to unlearning internalized messages from family, religion, or culture, the emotional landscape can be overwhelming. Therapy offers a path toward healing, and that’s exactly what we explore in the latest episode of Boy Meets Therapy with therapist and former Broadway performer, Brian Spitulnik.
In this heartfelt conversation, Brian and I unpack the ways shame impacts relationships, self-worth, and authenticity for queer men. Drawing from his own journey from the stage to the therapy room, Brian shares insights into how vulnerability, self-compassion, and connection can transform not just our mental health, but the way we relate to ourselves and others.
Common Themes in Gay Men's Mental Health
While every person’s story is unique, there are common emotional experiences among gay men that often show up in therapy:
Internalized Homophobia: The quiet, persistent voice that says "you’re not enough" or "you’re too much."
Shame and Self-Sabotage: Feeling unworthy of love, success, or healthy relationships, often leading to destructive behaviors.
Social Hierarchies and Body Image: The unspoken rules within queer spaces that create pressure to look, act, or live a certain way.
Rejection and Loneliness: Both from family or community, and sometimes within the LGBTQ+ community itself.
Performance and Protection: Many gay men grow up learning to perform a version of themselves that feels safer, but not necessarily authentic.
Brian offers a unique perspective as both a gay man and a clinician. He emphasizes the role of authenticity and connection in healing: two things that can feel risky, but are necessary for growth.
Why Therapy Matters
Therapy can help untangle the deep-rooted beliefs that many gay men carry. Beliefs about worthiness, love, and identity. It creates a space to:
Explore identity safely and without judgment
Name and process shame
Understand the roots of anxiety, depression, or addictive behaviors
Learn how to build and sustain meaningful relationships
Reconnect with values and a deeper sense of purpose
As Brian shares in the episode, “Healing starts with honesty, not just with others, but with yourself.”
The Role of Community and Representation
Another important theme in our conversation was the need for more representation of queer clinicians, and more therapeutic spaces that truly understand the intersection of race, gender, and sexuality. Brian and I talk about how race and privilege show up in queer spaces and in therapy, and why representation matters for healing.
Whether you're newly out, struggling with relationships, or simply want to feel more connected to yourself, this episode offers validation, insight, and hope.
Final Thoughts
Shame can quietly shape so many aspects of life for gay men, from the way we form relationships to how we see ourselves in the world. But shame doesn’t have to be the end of the story. Therapy can offer a compassionate space to explore identity, unlearn self-sabotaging patterns, and begin building a life rooted in authenticity and connection.
As Brian Spitulnik reminds us in this episode, healing isn’t about becoming someone new, it’s about finally giving yourself permission to be who you’ve been all along. Whether you're just beginning your mental health journey or deep in the work of self-discovery, you deserve support that sees all of who you are.
If this conversation spoke to you, consider sharing it with a friend, subscribing to the podcast, or seeking out a therapist who understands the unique experiences of queer life. You’re not alone and healing is possible.
